Today, I want to talk about something that feels both out of my comfort zone and yet a huge part of my life at the moment: dating as a nonbinary person on dating apps.

I'm nonbinary and I'm also single! I've been single since the end of 2021 and only recently started dating again. One of the reasons it took me almost three years to reenter the dating scene was that I didn't want to get into another relationship until I had completed the gender-affirming surgeries that were important to me.

In fact, the thought of being loved again was one of the things that motivated me to move forward with my transition. I wanted to make sure that the next time I’m in a relationship, there would be no doubt that the person I’m with loves me for who I am. To me, that meant I needed to be radically myself in order to be truly accepted. So, now that I’m post-op, I’m back on the prowl!

After spending a few months navigating the wild world of dating apps, I’ve picked up a few insights that I think might help other nonbinary folks who, like me, are looking for love. Here are my top four tips for nonbinary dating on the apps:

Tip 1: Be Aggressively Nonbinary

When it comes to your dating profile and early conversations, I’ve found it’s important to be straightforward and assertive about your identity. For instance, some dating apps, like Bumble, have restrictions about how you can present yourself—like not being allowed to post shirtless photos unless you're at the beach. Since I don’t have beach photos where I can easily show off my top surgery scars, I had to find other ways to communicate my identity. One of the first things I say in a conversation is: “Just so you know, I’m nonbinary, I’ve had a mastectomy and a hysterectomy. If that’s cool with you, I’d love to continue talking.”

Why do this? Because it saves time. If someone is going to be transphobic or dismissive of your identity, it’s better to find out early on. Then, as one wise dating coach, Lily Womble, says, you can “bless and release.”

Tip 2: Decide How Much You’re Willing to Educate

Before jumping into dating, it’s helpful to figure out how comfortable you are with educating others about being nonbinary. You might meet people who are open-minded but haven’t had much exposure to nonbinary identities. Personally, I don’t mind explaining what it means to be nonbinary to people who are genuinely curious. I’ve met people who are kind and open, but just by circumstance, had never met a nonbinary person before.

However, if that’s not your jam, that’s totally valid. Maybe you prefer to date other trans or nonbinary folks (T4T), and that’s completely fine. What’s important is to make this decision early, so you don’t find yourself frustrated later when someone asks, “What does nonbinary mean?” and you’re not in the mood to be their educator.

Tip 3: Be Clear About Dating Within Certain Orientations

Here’s something that’s been a big deal for me—deciding how comfortable I am dating people whose orientation traditionally precludes my gender identity. For instance, I look like a woman, so I often get treated like a woman, which means straight men and lesbians might be attracted to me based on that assumption. But I’m not a woman.

So, I had to decide whether I was okay dating straight men and lesbians, knowing their orientation might not “match” my gender. For me, it’s not a dealbreaker. I don’t take their orientation personally. But for some people, this can be a total nonstarter. If it’s important to you to only date people whose orientations align more directly with your gender, like bi or pansexual folks, make that clear upfront.

Tip 4: Don’t Compromise on What You Want

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, don’t compromise on what you want in a relationship just because someone accepts your gender identity. It can feel like you’ve hit the jackpot when you find someone who’s totally cool with you being nonbinary. But don’t let that acceptance make you settle for less in other areas.

For example, if they want kids and you don’t, or if they stay up super late while you’re an early riser, those are important differences to consider. Being accepted for your gender identity is the bare minimum—it’s the foundation. You deserve to find someone who not only accepts you for who you are but also aligns with your life goals and values.

In my time on the dating apps, I’ve met some wonderful people who were totally okay with my nonbinary identity and my transition. But at the end of the day, our long-term goals didn’t match. And that’s okay. The point of dating is to find someone who’s a great match for you in all the ways that matter.

So, those are my four tips for dating on the apps as a nonbinary person! If you want to hear more about my dating adventures, let me know in the comments on the YouTube video blelow—I’m kind of shy about sharing this part of my life since it’s new territory for me. But I hope this helps some of you out there!

Thanks for reading, and remember, don’t settle for less than you deserve!