Growing up, I've always had a close bond with my parents, who happen to be Baby Boomers. While they've been accepting of my nonbinary identity, getting them to consistently use the correct pronouns took some time. However, I realized that approaching the situation with humour and levity worked better for me than expressing hurt feelings or judgment. In this blog post, I want to share my unique strategy for encouraging my parents to use the right pronouns, and hopefully, it might help you with your loved ones who are struggling with this too.

The Misgendering Jar

One day, as I pondered how to gently nudge my parents towards using my preferred pronouns, I came up with a creative idea: the "misgendering jar." To be clear, there was no actual jar involved, and my parents never had to pay up, but it was a playful way to highlight their slip-ups without making the situation tense.

The concept was simple: just like a swear jar where you pay every time you swear in order to curb your swearing, every time my parents misgendered me, I would playfully extend my hand and ask for $5 for the "misgendering jar." The comedic nature of this approach served a dual purpose. Firstly, it immediately pointed out the transgression without dwelling on my hurt feelings, and secondly, it alleviated any potential feelings of shame on their part. My aim was not to make them feel bad or dwell on their feelings of shame; I just wanted to encourage change because we both want to preserve our relationship and respect each other.

Helping Them Do Better

Over time, this little game became a routine in our household. My parents would slip up, I'd extend my hand with a playful smile, and ask for my $5. They chuckled, I chuckled, and they'd correct themselves. It was a fun way to remind them to do better without making it a heavy conversation. It was a gentle nudge in the right direction.

It's important to mention that this approach may not work for everyone. Each family dynamic is unique, and what works in one household may not work in another. In my case, levity and humour were essential to our communication. However, there are alternative approaches, such as open and honest conversations, that may be more effective for different families.

Narc-ing on Each Other: A Surprising Turn of Events

As time went on, my parents and my siblings started to playfully "narc" on each other even when I wasn't around. It became a friendly competition to see who could catch the other using the wrong pronouns. While I hadn't anticipated this twist, it was a very sweet development because now they were working together to help each other master my pronouns even when I wasn't around.

My mom, in particular, took this to another level. Whenever I'd prompt her to pay the misgendering jar, she'd feign innocence and say, "I wasn't talking about you!" This playful banter not only lightened the mood but also showed that my mom was actively working on using the correct pronouns.

A Strategy for Your Loved Ones

If you're looking for ways to encourage your loved ones to use the right pronouns, the misgendering jar approach might be something to consider. Here's how you can adapt it to your unique situation:

1. Start the Conversation: Sit down with your loved ones and have an open, honest conversation about your preferred pronouns and why they matter. Explain how it makes you feel and why their support is crucial.
2. Introduce the Misgendering Jar: If you believe that a lighthearted approach might be more effective, introduce the misgendering jar concept. Emphasize that it's not about shaming them but about helping them remember.
3. Playfully Prompt Corrections: When they slip up, playfully extend your hand and ask for the imaginary $5. The key is to keep it light and avoid dwelling on hurt feelings.
4. Encourage Participation: As the interactions become more frequent, encourage your loved ones to tell on each other. This adds a fun element to the process.
5. Stay Patient and Positive: Remember that change takes time. Be patient, and always emphasize the positive aspects of their efforts. Let them know you appreciate their support and that their willingness to improve means a lot.

Conclusion

Approaching a delicate topic like pronouns with humour and levity can be a successful strategy for some, as it was for me with my parents. The misgendering jar allowed us to navigate this sensitive issue without causing discomfort or hurt feelings. It not only helped my parents remember to use the right pronouns but also created a playful dynamic in our family.

Of course, every family is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. The key is to find an approach that suits your family's dynamics and fosters open, respectful communication.

I hope this post has offered some inspiration and insight into how a playful approach can lead to positive change.